I woke up to a text from Ben’s mom this morning, as I sort of expected I would. She told me that she would be spending the day at the beach with his sister and nieces, and planned to plant a Larkspur in his memory in the garden. I didn’t really know what to say back, but told her that sounded like a lovely day, and let her know I had dinner with her brother Mark and his wife Kay and their family the night before and was thankful to spend more time with them. Uncle Mark was the officiant at our wedding, and always he was one of the uncles that Ben and I felt closest to. Always a great listener full of helpful advice, funny stories and lots of wisdom. The love he has for his wife and family is so strong and palpable it’s contagious.
The Bradshaw family has always treated me as one of their own, and being away from my own family I am particularly grateful for that. His parents always had a refrigerator to dig through, cable TV and a comfy couch to kill time on. After we parted ways, I lost (and missed) that comfort. Dinner last night was something I needed. A family together, siblings, cousins, children, probably 15 people or so. Everyone gathered around a table, sharing a meal and stories. When they prayed, I also went to my knees and silently thought of how thankful I was to be surrounded by people who loved me. While my relationship with Ben was tumultuous, we were very much in love and I always felt like a member of his family. Always accepted without condition, even though our beliefs differed greatly.
Ben would have been 30 today. A milestone that I had no doubt we’d experience together at one point. Our birthdays were only 3 months apart, so I always had a good few weeks of “old man” jokes before it was my turn. I started the day wondering if there was anything I could do in his memory, but as the day progressed I found myself just thinking about him a lot. I’ve found that most of the hurt and resentment I had felt over our split has mostly dissipated, as I expected it would. I’m becoming more adjusted to the reality of the situation, but pangs of sadness hit me from time to time. It seems that I’m not the best at the memorial rituals, but he’s on my mind today- as are all of the wonderful, loving, beautiful people he left behind.
That was beautifully written Molly. Just because a relationship doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean you suddenly stop caring about someone. When you have deeply and truly loved another human being, no matter what, they will always occupy a place somewhere inside your heart and soul. It may not be the “romantic love” you once felt…but there are so many different kinds of “love.” Any anger, resentment, etc. from a relationship is usually just a mask to cover up the harder feelings to deal with…actual HURT. I have known you for a very long time, and you are one of those rare people in the world that possess true beauty on the inside as well as the outside! Although I never got the opportunity to meet Ben, I am sure he was a wonderful person if you married him! Unfortunately, the sadness that still creeps up on you every now and then…probably always will. I don’t personally think anyone ever COMPLETELY gets over a death of someone they cared about. I am definitely not in love with MY ex husband anymore (we were together in total for almost 14 years) and quite honestly, even after being divorced now for so long… I STILL harbor a lot of anger and hostility towards him…but I would honestly still be devastated if he were to pass away. He was just too much a part of my life, both the good and the bad to just NOT care. You have always been a true and wonderful friend Molly, I love you….and hope today wasn’t too hard for you.
Molly that was very touching and heartfelt and felt my eyes watery up as I read.. Thanks for sharing love you
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Wow! Extremely well written! Beautiful, and tragic all at the same time.