Archives for category: aging

I woke up to a text from Ben’s mom this morning, as I sort of expected I would. She told me that she would be spending the day at the beach with his sister and nieces, and planned to plant a Larkspur in his memory in the garden. I didn’t really know what to say back, but told her that sounded like a lovely day, and let her know I had dinner with her brother Mark and his wife Kay and their family the night before and was thankful to spend more time with them. Uncle Mark was the officiant at our wedding, and always he was one of the uncles that Ben and I felt closest to. Always a great listener full of helpful advice, funny stories and lots of wisdom. The love he has for his wife and family is so strong and palpable it’s contagious.

The Bradshaw family has always treated me as one of their own, and being away from my own family I am particularly grateful for that. His parents always had a refrigerator to dig through, cable TV and a comfy couch to kill time on. After we parted ways, I lost (and missed) that comfort. Dinner last night was something I needed. A family together, siblings, cousins, children, probably 15 people or so. Everyone gathered around a table, sharing a meal and stories. When they prayed, I also went to my knees and silently thought of how thankful I was to be surrounded by people who loved me. While my relationship with Ben was tumultuous, we were very much in love and I always felt like a member of his family. Always accepted without condition, even though our beliefs differed greatly.

Ben would have been 30 today. A milestone that I had no doubt we’d experience together at one point. Our birthdays were only 3 months apart, so I always had a good few weeks of “old man” jokes before it was my turn. I started the day wondering if there was anything I could do in his memory, but as the day progressed I found myself just thinking about him a lot. I’ve found that most of the hurt and resentment I had felt over our split has mostly dissipated, as I expected it would. I’m becoming more adjusted to the reality of the situation, but pangs of sadness hit me from time to time. It seems that I’m not the best at the memorial rituals, but he’s on my mind today- as are all of the wonderful, loving, beautiful people he left behind.

Back to reality from superbirthdayvegasextravaganza2012.

That shit was bananas. My 2st birthday was spent puking at a costume party, followed by about a week of living drinking in dive bars in Anchorage. I think I’ve set the bar a bit higher for kid sister. It was so fun walking past Disneyland-length lines of hopeful club goers, stepping right to the front and taking a private escort to a secluded area behind the DJ booth.  Ha! It was very cool meeting Morgan Page, the Stafford Brothers, Timmy Trumpet and their crews. Thanks for the endless bottles of Belvedere, limitless redbulls, good company, and the experience of a lifetime for both my sister and myself. Now I just have to convey to kid sister, that no, Vegas isn’t always like this for us non music industry common-folk. So please don’t move there.

In normal life news, I’m back to eating right/working out. Doctor says I’m a full 100% back to normal and I can resume strenuous exercise. And strenuously exercise I shall. After this month of regaining all the stamina I lost from being sedentary (ugh) I’m going to try my hand at Crossfit. I’m nervous, but actually really excited. I have three good friends who have been doing it for awhile, and whaddya know- they all look great.

I’m really trying to not think of this as a “weight loss” thing. I just want to be strong. Really strong. I want to be able to do 100 pushups without taking a break. I want to do a pullup. I’ve never even done ONE! I want to feel that strong for the first time. My running, yoga and pilates just isn’t cutting it. I’ll keep running for mental clarity and yoga for relaxation, but I want to start lifting and pushing myself to my limits. I’m prepping all my week’s foods this evening and heading to my favorite weight lifting class. I’m so looking forward to being sore tomorrow :)

Also, I’ve made an appointment with my general dentist to get an exam to see what I need to have done before I get my braces put on. I’m shooting for the end of July to get them on, but that might depend on if I have to get my wisdom teeth out (eek!). I’m getting anxious again… I felt like my ortho appointment was almost too good to be true. I feel like I’m going to go to the general dentist and it’s going to be so much more than I can afford, I’ll be back to feeling hopeless. Keep your fingers crossed that it’s somewhere between what my insurance will cover and what I have squirreled away in my savings account.

I know my little personal “transformations” wont be done by my 30th birthday like I had originally hoped, but this is progress, and I’m very proud of myself! Next step? Wrapping up my undergrad and thinking about grad school!

I’m turning 30 in a few months, and getting my smile fixed was on my list of things I have been wanting to accomplish by then. My teeth have been a huge insecurity of mine since I was about 20 years old and I broke two of them.  That caused a lot of shifting as I didn’t have dental insurance and never got implants or a bridge to replace the lost teeth. They have progressively gotten worse, and I’ve become more and more embarrassed by them.

As posted earlier, I had my first orthodontic consultation at MacDonald Orthodontics and I was nothing short of delighted. Looks like I’m finally on my way to loving my smile again! I actually walked out of the appointment and cried for 10 minutes in my car because I was so overwhelmed and happy that it was actually going to happen. It had always seemed so out of reach.

During all my research I found video blogs on YouTube to be particularly helpful. It was interesting to hear first hand how people reacted to getting their braces an what their experiences were like. I have decided to do the same- I’m going to be video blogging my entire experience. I’m even going to ask Dr. MacDonald if he’ll let me film part of me getting my braces put on, and maybe one or two of my wire changes.

Here’s my first video, and I’ll be posting more as I go. I’m looking at mid July for getting them put on, as I need to get a few fillings and such before then. If you want to subscribe, here’s a link to my channel

I was right. It was fate. Tupac bought my car. I’m so thankful, and I’m seriously looking forward to having some wiggle room in my budget. Savings? Yes please. Paying off debt? Sure, why not. Braces? Yup. Plus, we’re fishing for a roommate so that should make the money scenario even better. This summer is gonna be good! I sense a vacay.

We all know that May isn’t my month (particularly this past May)… so I’m welcoming June 1st with wide open arms. The Vegas trade show, my sister’s 21st birthday, the Makeup Artist show in Los Angeles- I’m going to be a busy bee, buzzing around with all sorts of fun things that make me happy. I really can’t wait. It’s a clean slate, a fresh start and I’m happily getting my normal positive mental attitude back. After sister’s birthday, I can start planning for my own awesome birthday celebration. Dirty 30, here I come- and hopefully I’ll be welcoming it while sprawled out on a beach, slathered with SPF, and holding a drink fashioned out of a coconut with a teeny umbrella in it.

Since the health insurance fairy recently waived her magical (read: fickle, expensive, necessary) wand upon me, I decided to make an appointment to see a dentist. Today I sat, was x-ray’ed, examined, poked and scraped. After it all, I heard something that in my many years of dental care, had never heard directed towards me:


I’ve always grown up being complimented on my smile. Although it looks nice enough, a closer examination into my mouth reveals the total shit show that my teeth have become over the years. Two teeth pulled, two on death’s door, crooked bottom row and a crown that needs replacing. Of course, all this equals big bucks and I am currently a person of small bucks so it’s all really out of the question. It’s been on my agenda to start looking at making a plan and working towards a fabulous, healthy mouth… tooth by expensive ass tooth. I’ve always envied all those people on TV shows who get to have a total mouth makeover and just go do it all at once and wake up one day with a perfect movie star smile. Yes, I have cried at the tooth reveals on Extreme Makeover.

So back to the braces.

I had two teeth pulled a few years ago. Both are towards the back of the right side of my mouth, one top and one bottom. The top one shows when I smile and it’s horribly embarrassing to me. That’s why you’ll always be looking at the left side of my face in ANY photograph you see of me. Always.

Mr. Dentist (who was lovely) said that those are usually the two teeth that they will pull in preparation for getting braces put on- so I’m already halfway there. He said it would be more cost effective and would correct all my bite issues and grinding. Tempting offer.

Drawbacks? Looking 13 for the last two years of my 20’s. What if MF dumps me and I have to try and be single at nearly 30 with braces? Can you still look sexy or am I doomed to 24 months of marmish nerdiness? I just see them being a total buzzkill and making my confidence do a nosedive. My instant gratification side wants me to just pony up for the bridge and be done with it. Mr. Dentist said it would just be putting a band-aid over my bigger issues, but it was my choice to make.

I’m definitely open to feedback here…

PS- after some googling… there are definitely a lot of people out there who think braces are sexy. And they have websites. Not what I’m going for, however.