Archives for posts with tag: aging

That’s how I’m starting to feel. FINALLY. I’ve been really putting my mind to it for about the last 7 weeks or so. Give or take. Foursquare says I’ve been at the gym for six consecutive weeks. My LA Fitness check in record says September has been my most active month to date. Instagram is showing off my good food choices. I’m pretty consistently below my calorie budget, per my LoseIt App. My fitbit is tracking my steps, and I’m averaging at least 6,000 per day (which could use a little work, but hey).

Clearly technology has been a big part of this.

I don’t think I’d be able to be as clearly on point without the help of my websites, gadgets and apps. It’s really been helpful. I’m a person who lives and dies by numbers- they make things tangible for me.

Or I’m just a huge nerd.

I’ve also found myself really enjoying a bootcamp style class being offered at my gym. The class is fun, super intense, and the instructor is great. The station/circuit style of the class makes it go by quicker and keeps it interesting. The first class I was pretty sure I was going to die, but somehow made it through. Almost puked a few times, but luckily managed to choke it back. Now the class is getting a little easier, and I really look forward to it.

Feeling strong is new and exciting. I don’t have my running endurance as high as I used to, but I am faster. My sprints are a higher MPH and can last longer. With having more of a focus on lifting, I can feel myself becoming more toned and it’s so awesome. It’s really what has been motivating me to keep going. I was even able to increase the size of the freeweights I’m using during my classes.

One thing that is difficult is that I compare the amount of effort I’m putting out now versus how hard I worked years ago, and I see how it’s taking me so much more now that I’m older. If I would have worked this hard at 22, I’d be flaunting around in a bikini by now. Annoying. I want to shake the shit out of my early 20’s self. I’d say “Oh, you think you’re fat now? Just wait. You don’t even know.”

Hopefully in another 7 weeks I’ll have made even better progress. I also hope that my vacation doesn’t totally derail me. I want to work out when I can, jog on the beach in Florida, drink water, snack less. This will be a challenge, but a good one.


I woke up to a text from Ben’s mom this morning, as I sort of expected I would. She told me that she would be spending the day at the beach with his sister and nieces, and planned to plant a Larkspur in his memory in the garden. I didn’t really know what to say back, but told her that sounded like a lovely day, and let her know I had dinner with her brother Mark and his wife Kay and their family the night before and was thankful to spend more time with them. Uncle Mark was the officiant at our wedding, and always he was one of the uncles that Ben and I felt closest to. Always a great listener full of helpful advice, funny stories and lots of wisdom. The love he has for his wife and family is so strong and palpable it’s contagious.

The Bradshaw family has always treated me as one of their own, and being away from my own family I am particularly grateful for that. His parents always had a refrigerator to dig through, cable TV and a comfy couch to kill time on. After we parted ways, I lost (and missed) that comfort. Dinner last night was something I needed. A family together, siblings, cousins, children, probably 15 people or so. Everyone gathered around a table, sharing a meal and stories. When they prayed, I also went to my knees and silently thought of how thankful I was to be surrounded by people who loved me. While my relationship with Ben was tumultuous, we were very much in love and I always felt like a member of his family. Always accepted without condition, even though our beliefs differed greatly.

Ben would have been 30 today. A milestone that I had no doubt we’d experience together at one point. Our birthdays were only 3 months apart, so I always had a good few weeks of “old man” jokes before it was my turn. I started the day wondering if there was anything I could do in his memory, but as the day progressed I found myself just thinking about him a lot. I’ve found that most of the hurt and resentment I had felt over our split has mostly┬ádissipated, as I expected it would. I’m becoming more adjusted to the reality of the situation, but pangs of sadness hit me from time to time. It seems that I’m not the best at the memorial rituals, but he’s on my mind today- as are all of the wonderful, loving, beautiful people he left behind.

I was right. It was fate. Tupac bought my car. I’m so thankful, and I’m seriously looking forward to having some wiggle room in my budget. Savings? Yes please. Paying off debt? Sure, why not. Braces? Yup. Plus, we’re fishing for a roommate so that should make the money scenario even better. This summer is gonna be good! I sense a vacay.

We all know that May isn’t my month (particularly this past May)… so I’m welcoming June 1st with wide open arms. The Vegas trade show, my sister’s 21st birthday, the Makeup Artist show in Los Angeles- I’m going to be a busy bee, buzzing around with all sorts of fun things that make me happy. I really can’t wait. It’s a clean slate, a fresh start and I’m happily getting my normal positive mental attitude back. After sister’s birthday, I can start planning for my own awesome birthday celebration. Dirty 30, here I come- and hopefully I’ll be welcoming it while sprawled out on a beach, slathered with SPF, and holding a drink fashioned out of a coconut with a teeny umbrella in it.