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Started my T3 medication today. Here’s hoping I start seeing some improvement soon.

Birth control and Spironolactone are done as of last week.

Not much to report aside from nasty morning headaches the last two days, but some Excedrin and lots of water seemed to do the trick. Hoping it doesn’t persist, and it might even be unrelated.

Also had a meeting with the owner of my gym. He’s taking a really healthy and serious approach to reconditioning my metabolism. They’re going to be reverse dieting me to a healthier caloric baseline and slowly tapering down my cardio from 7 days a week it’s at now. I’m so glad that’s what he said, because I would have been so sad to leave. I told myself if they had any other path for me I’d find a new gym- obviously my health is paramount and I’m happy they see it the same way. I was happy to hear they had another client with similar health concerns who, once properly treating, had completely transformed her physique. I
Hope I get to be a similar success story.

As far as my show prospects I’m not worrying about it right now- just focusing on my health. It’ll take a good 4-6 weeks to get everything balanced and repeat my blood work to see where I end up. I’ve been working this long, there’s no reason not to be patient with myself to improve my overall outcome. If I can get myself back up to a baseline of 1800-2000 cals, my cut will be so much less drastic. Plus, I can actually put on some muscle since I won’t be living in such a major caloric deficit.

Funny thing is I’m so used to living on 1400 cals I can’t imagine eating 2000. That sounds like SO MUCH FOOD and not necessarily in a good way. Since I eat clean most of the time 1400 cals isn’t super easy! I feel like I’m constantly eating. I hope my macros include a lot of fat, because eating may have to become a part time job. I guess I’ve had worse jobs.

I enjoy public speaking. I know it’s this weird thing to enjoy, and for tons of people it’s something they have nightmares about or it’s practically considered punishment. I will be the first to admit I assume it’s because I enjoy being the center of attention. I’m talkative. I’m articulate and can be charming in a crowd. I light up during presentations and it’s a thrill to have people hanging on your every word. While I have managed to parlay this little skill into a career, it’s not to say I don’t bomb the occasion presentation. 100% of the time it’s because I let insecurities turn into nervousness. It’s not the nervousness of presenting- I like that part. It’s this weird fear that the information I’m presenting is bullshit. Like, regardless of the source, someone is sitting there thinking “ughhh she’s so full of it. All this is wrong”

I’ve managed to get over this for the most part, but where it still trips me up sometimes is the fact that I’m often in a position to present medical concepts to doctors.

Talk about intimidating.

I failed Chemistry in college, which is why I’m not writing about my adventures as a dental hygienist. I ended up a communications major, which may be the exact opposite of a BS in anything.

So flash forward today, and I had to jet to St Louis to conduct a training for 18 plastic surgery residents and 2 attending physicians. I was terrified. Last night I must have reviewed my slides and studied proton mobility of aqueous solutions 100 times. I slept poorly. My stomach hurt when I woke up. I tried to get ahold of my inner voice and say “Self: you are going to do great. You know your stuff. You are prepared. Plus you’re bringing them breakfast and gifts.”

As soon as I got in, everyone was so kind and thankful for the catered breakfast. My presentation went beautifully, I was able to handle most questions (and even surprised myself a few times).

The hands-on demos and training went even better. Everyone was so gracious and thankful for the time I spent with them. It finally made me wrap my mind around the whole thing- yes, they’ve been to medical school, but they don’t necessarily know what it is I’m teaching. I’m adding to their wealth of information and helping them serve their patients more completely.

I feel like I took my fear head on and came out a better and more confident presenter. Mission accomplished.

I had a dream a few nights ago that a guy from my crossfit gym was taking my little sister to India for 10 months. She came to our mother and me with this halfhearted sense of excitement mixed with dread as she knew we wouldn’t approve. I panicked at first, forbidding her to go. The thought of her being away so far and for so long was terrifying. I promptly threatened crossfit guy. Later while talking to our mom I had a thought, and I pictured her walking around in India, experiencing a completely different culture- not a canned “save the sea turtles” version, but seeing the world for the first time. Truly seeing it, like that moment you realize how big and grand everything is and you understand that you are actually a citizen of Earth, not just America. I looked at our mom and said we need to let her go. She needs to see that and let it sink in to who she is and let it change her in profound ways. I became embarrassed of my initial reaction and told her to go, to see and learn and taste and experience everything and teach me about it when she got back.

Man, I am putting on miles these days. Vegas tonight… trade show on Saturday and some general debauchery. Looking forward to it.

Wasn’t easy getting out of bed this morning. When things get hard I have a tendency to shut down. I’m fighting it, but it isn’t easy. I went to work out, only because I had an appointment with my trainer at 7am. I am negotiating with myself to take a shower so I’m not late for my 10am meeting but so far it’s not going well.

I need to take stock and count my blessings. I’m healthier than I’ve been in years (maybe ever). I’m very much loved and love greatly in return. I am financially stable, and am able to give to others in need. I have a Disney weekend coming up (!!)

I identify so personally with my work. I am an over achiever and when work isn’t going well I internalize it so much more than I should. I need to remember that I am so much more than what I do for a living. Shutting down will only make that worse.

I need to turn today around ASAP.