Archives for posts with tag: family

Where to even begin. Since my last update I feel like ten thousand things have happened and my brain has thought of little else. It has been four weeks and three days since I first heard the name from my mother and it’s been on repeat over and over. Probably the longest stretch of time in my life, and sadly it’s just going to continue to take even longer.

I reached out to my potential cousin and aunt, and explained the situation as best I could. One thing I’ve learned quickly was that there really is no graceful way to approach this subject with the people involved. It’s awkward, it’s weird and for those on the receiving end it’s completely out of left field. But, I keep reminding myself that I exist and should not apologize for it. Unfortunately that doesn’t stop me from feeling like a crazy person intruding on people’s lives.

She was understandably skeptical, but very kind. She reached out to her brother and followed up with me explaining that he did say it was a possibility and she left the ball in his court to reach out. To this day he has not, which is probably for the best. I’m waiting to make contact until DNA can confirm or deny.

So just after Christmas I get a text from Virginia excitedly exclaiming that she knew the potential half brother I had shown her pictures of and that she was calling him first thing in the morning to get him to take the DNA test. My stomach instantly had a fit, but I was thankful for her complete lack of fear in this situation. I hadn’t been being that brave thus far. So she did as she said she would and made that call, and within a couple of days the test was in her hands and she met with him in a coffee shop. She kept telling me how calm and confident he was, and how she felt like a nervous teenager on a first date. I can only imagine I would have been the same. Virginia and I used to talk for hours about what my dad must be like and scheme ways that we could try to track him down. Obviously the loosely knit plans of a pair of 13 year old girls didn’t yield much by way of progress- but she has been one of the people closest to me in this journey. She knows how important it has been to me for so long. She dropped the test in the mail that evening and then the excruciating wait began.

In the meantime, with the help and advice of two outstanding facebook groups, I decided to do some research to see if I could link his family tree with that of some of my existing DNA relatives. I went to work drafting his family tree, learning as much as I could about the family, relatives and history. Watching it all unfold was addicting as in my mind, it really felt like I was finally learning more about where I came from. I spent several days engrossed in’s archives, adding, editing and researching. Then, a breakthrough. A notification sprung up that one of my DNA matches shared both a surname and a location. I investigated further. Upon looking I saw similar branches to her tree and my own, although much of hers was marked private. I sent a message briefly explaining myself, and heard back shortly with a phone number. I called right away and spoke with the woman who owned the tree. Her stories confirmed what I had found- she and I shared a common ancestor from my potential father’s tree. What this meant is that I share a definite blood relative with this family. With the predicted genetic distance from this relative, it would certainly add up for him to be my father.

So all this evidence, all this data and speculation and photos continue to add up all pointing to my search being over, and I still am left not allowing myself to get excited. My brain is refusing to let me celebrate or cry or relax into this knowledge. Not until the DNA test comes back. So I will sit here and continue to wait, and obsessively check the status of the test. I am hoping I will have the results by the end of the month and it seriously can’t come soon enough. I keep playing back in my mind what it will be like to see one way or the other, and I can’t really say what I am more afraid of- it being positive or negative. I have built this moment up in my mind for so long I don’t really know what to do.

Tucson day tomorrow, then a three day weekend. Srsly, can’t come soon enough. I’ve been playing catch up from having so much time off work, it’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be. Plus, I’m still not totally operating at 100% quite yet. I get extremely tired by about 5:00, so much so that I get home from work, sit on the couch and literally lean over and nap for like an hour. I’m still sore, but improving slowly but surely. I am feeling turbo fat though, so I am anxiously awaiting my doctor’s thumbs up for working out. My clothes still fit okay, I just hate being so sedentary. I go for walks but even that’s getting tiring since it’s so hot out. Soon! I have to remember it hasn’t even been two weeks yet. I have been thinking about starting CrossFit when doc clears me, and the guy looking at my car today just happened to be a CrossFit coach. I’m pretty sure it was a sign from the universe. Especially because his name was Tupac.

Oh, and this Memorial day (appropriately enough) is the 20 year anniversary of my father’s death. It’s really strange thinking that it was that long ago. My mom was my age, and with a 9 year old and a 10 month old baby. I can’t even wrap my brain around what that must have been like. I mean, I was a wreck after losing my ex husband. It hurts my heart even thinking about what it must be like losing a husband that you are happily married to. It was no picnic losing a dad, but I have to imagine what she went through was so much worse. I am thankful for how strong my mom was through it all, and how wonderful and supportive our family was. Plus, all those hardships led us to having my step dad in our life, and I can’t imagine not having him around. Silver linings, right?

On a lighter note, I have so much to look forward to this weekend! Phoenix Comicon, picking peaches at Agritopia, a wedding… PLUS a three day weekend. Expect lots of interesting photos.